Afraid

 I am so ashamed to admit this but my anxiety is winning today. I know he loves me. I know he cares about me. But is it strong enough to withstand distance and cancer? His focus is his kids, as it should be. He got amazing news for treatment that can kill his tumors. This is the miracle we have all been praying for. This is what we needed. The proton therapy can kill the tumors. The immunotherapy can work on the microscopic cancer cells as a two prong approach. But I am afraid.

I am not afraid of him living. He has a shot at two plus years and this would be so fantastic.  I would welcome all of that with him. But he may be considering trying to move his kids to NY so long term prognosis. This means the ex goes since she is their mother. But where does that leave me? Do I get to be in the equation? Do I matter enough to be considered? This is what I am afraid of. I am giving voice to it here so I can get it out of my head and tell my anxiety to shut the fuck up and leave me alone.

A friend suggested I visualize a drawbridge around it and it going up so I can leave it aside. This may work. What I really want to do is tell him let me be in the equation. I want to burn the anxiety to the ground and know I am the first choice. But I cannot be the first choice. 

How do I move forward?