Today I made a major realization. I have hope for myself, my life, my kids, my work. All the things that matter and not for the one that is at the core of what I want. I do not have hope for love. Every time I have opened myself up to hope in love, it never comes through.
My divorce cracked me open and made me see what had been done to me by the first person I should have been able to trust. My father sexually abused me up until I was 4-5 years old. I buried the memories until I was 45. They came flooding in the day my ex husband asked for the divorce. This was the best and worst thing that could have happened to me. It changed me fundamentally. I knew now why I had a hard time trusting men, why I could not stand certain touches and hated being held down. Like full on panic attacks.
It gave me hope that I could overcome that and I did. Hope is what kept me going. But now it is breaking me again. I am terrified to hope in love again. I had found someone in April 2024. The first person I actually felt safe with. Anthony. He was nothing like I expected and everything I needed and did not know it. We found out he had a cancer diagnosis and he went back to his ex to be with his kids. I understood then and now why. I have no issue with it. But the disregard he showed for me at times after he left is what broke me again. I took a year to heal from it and see what is out there for me. Each time I meet someone who makes me sit up a little and notice them, it falls apart before it can really start. One or two dates and then BOOM- nothingness all over again. I am not sure if it is me, the people who catch my eye, or more lessons, but I am tired of trying. Tired of hoping maybe this time will be different.
Hope gives me strength in all areas of my life. Faith, people, friends, you name it, I have hope in it and love for myself and them. But LOVE? Nope, no hope at all. It is like it has been burned out of me from trust issues, to Anthony leaving, people saying one thing and being another. No hope. And that scares the ever-loving fuck out of me.
Hope is a gift to be carried and nourished. It gives life to love and life itself. But how can I carry hope in love when it keeps running from me? I love myself. I love my children. I love God, spirit, the planet, friends, and family. But I am seeing no hope in love for now. And maybe that is the lesson. I need to be ok as I am, for now. In time, that may change. But love, it can wait for now. Maybe the lesson is in letting go for the right thing to find its way in, in its proper time, and not me trying to wrangle it.
HOPE. maybe one day. That I can hope for and get behind.
