Talking too much

 So a theme in my life recently has been that I am talking too much. This is both at work and in my personal relationships. I am working hard to tighten up my circle and with whom I share intimate knowledge of my life.

I know that when I talk, I get all my "junk" out and feel lighter. But this can make the person I am with feel undervalued and not appreciated. I know that this is a bad thing. I am working on the listening. As a dear friend pointed out to me this weekend, we have two ears and one mouth. Use the ears more and mouth less.

I want the people I have conversations with to know that I see them, I value them, and I will listen with an open heart and a closed mouth. I know this will help me be a better friend, partner, mother, coworker and mentor.

Wish me luck!!

Fall renewal

 Took several months off to live my life. Some of it was good, some of it was BAD. I went nuclear and did not know I needed to do so. 

I got suckered by someone in another state based on my own insecurities and need for a love I have to give myself. I gave way too much grace and did not see the lies right in front of me. I went dark on someone who was always honest with me in their intentions and burned some people in the process. I had to take the time to pull back and realize I was still living my life based on other people's feel of myself and not my own opinion.

I caught the person out of state in their lies and called them on it. I finally stood up for myself and told him to go to hell. I then met someone else and went on two dates that I thought went well. They did and he ghosted. I accepted that and moved on. I got back on the dating horse and got bucked off, not literally but spiritually. I keep getting back on it and trying again.

I am learning some hard lessons about myself in this dating process. I still have a lot to say in words that not everyone wants to hear. Not something I have not heard before but something I need to work on. Know your audience, and sometimes it needs to be an audience of one. I am using this blog to get out the words that jumble up in my head. I also jump in to things to quickly. I need to learn to slow down and spend the time to get to know a person. My friend told me about the 90 day probation rule for dating, setting firm boundaries to get to know someone in the first 90 days and see their true selves emerge.

I also blew out my knee doing jiu jitsu and am getting around the idea I cannot step foot on the mats again. I do not know if it will ever happen again. I have a long recovery ahead of me. I miss the mental challenge BJJ gave me and to get me out of my head. So now I have to find another avenue that is safe for me physically to handle. 

Reading and growth are what I am focusing on right now. I can find some ways to engage the mental chess and keep my mind from spiraling with those insecurities. I am worth the work. I am worth the effort. I am too much at times but that is ok. It is when I am too much for myself that I need to fix it. And so that is my fall update