Saying goodbye

 Saying a quiet goodbye is the worst feeling in the world. I cannot tell him goodbye because we are still connected by friends and love. But saying it in the dark and out loud to myself is heartbreaking. 

He got the news in February his tumors were gone. He chose to stay with Shrek because that is where his kids are. I totally get that. He thinks he only has 3-5 years left and he wants to be with them every minute. She is where they are so he chose there. Not her, he despises her, his words not mine. But still I was not chosen.

What did I learn from him? I learned to love myself as I am. I am enough by just being ME. Funny how the tattoo I got two years ago was a reminder of that but I would not learn the lesson until Anthony. I learned what sacrifice looks like when you want someone to be happy, even it is not with you. He loved me enough to let me go. What a miracle that is. It made me love him even more. But I also had to learn love is not enough when life wants to break you down and keep you apart. I see him for the gift he is. Flaws and all, cuz he can be a stubborn ass. He is selfish at times and pigheaded. He can be cruel to others when he is hurting. But it was never aimed at me. He gave me love and his family. I fit right in and they loved me, too. Still do. I love them dearly.

I will always be in his life, however he will let me. But it has to be at a distance. That is the only way I can move forward. I won't say move on. I gave him my heart and do not want it back. I do not know if I will ever love someone again, not wholeheartedly anyway. But I need to move forward to see what life has for me. A new home in the next year for certain.

Baby, you will never read this, but I LOVE YOU. Always and forever, whatever that looks like.