A new day

 So yesterday marked the one year anniversary of my ex-husband asking for a divorce and remembering what my father had done to me. I fully expected it to be a terrible day but had some to peace with it over the last two weeks. But I was surprised what the day had in store for me. 

Good vibes rolled through me all day. Small victories piled up at work, layering into the personal of the day and making it amazing. No one thing stands out other than I accepted whatever the day would bring. I let it flow and did not force anything. That is a HUGE win for me. I am used to being in fight or flight mode for most of my life. I am used to not feeling worthy or enough. I am used to being told I am TOO much, whatever that means. I am used to feeling shame for no reason and not feeling adequate.

But no longer. I KNOW I am worthy and enough, just as I am. Scars and all, I am TOO much for those who cannot the handle the me I was meant to become. I let go of the shame and feeling undeserving. God saw me through the dark and is rebuilding me in the light. He is making me known to myself and others. 

So that is what the pain brought me to and through. 

Day 3 of taking back my pen

 SO I took some time off from writing to do therapy and just let things simmer in my brain for the last week or so. My therapist thinks this blog is a good way for my story to be told. I can do it in my own way. One day, I may put my name and face to this, but not for now.

I am good with that. 

Day 2 of taking back my pen

 I broke this week. Like a full on panic attack at the gym followed by rage screaming in the car to a complete guttural cry fest on my carpet of my bedroom. The emotions of abuse are awful and terrible and crazy. But they needed to come out, they needed to be purged.

I am going back to therapy. I cannot stress enough how important it is get tools to help you cope, have a tribe that will help in all ways, even just reminding you to breathe, and having a soft place to land. A man came in to my life to teach me all of this. It was brief but seriously impactful.

The universe has a way of putting people in your path to help you learn the tools or lessons needed to break the karmic cycles and patterns that are harming you. Spirit, God, angels, whatever you want to call it. The lessons have to be learned in order to heal and move on.

So today, I breathe. I let myself heal. I let myself feel all the terrible things and remember they do not have the power they once did to hurt me any longer. 

I breathe. 

Day one of taking back my pen

 So today I made teh decision to start to tell my story.

A year ago, on July 18, 2022, my ex husband asked me for a divorce in a very roundabout way. That emotional shotgun blast to the chest cracked me open in ways I never expected. I did not know I had walls built up from over 40 years to protect myself from the knowledge that I had been sexually abused by the one person a young girl at the age of 4/5 should be able to trust implicitly.

My father was my abuser. I do not remember most of it since I was so little. I have images and feelings. I am protected from the actual abuse being so vivid but that does not make it any easier or better. I have had a nightmare my entire life of being held under covers by a person in the shadows. This person touched me in ways that I can only feel and that caused shame for most of my life. It terrified me to even have this nightmare. When it would occur, I would not sleep well for days. I have never liked being touched unexpectedly or surprised in any way. I have severe claustrophobia and do not like being pinned down or held down. At least, up until the last 6 months on the touching aspects.

The nightmare of my childhood has given way to processing it and letting it go. I have released a lot of the shame and anger. I can talk about my dad and not being angry most days. What caused me to backslide a little on some of my progress was driving past his grave this weekend twice. I did not have the courage or strength to stop. I have not been in 5 years, and do not plan to go anytime soon. I flipped him off as I drove past the first time and got so angry. Like seeing rage. 

On the way back to my home, knowing I would have to drive past it again, I started to cry. It was not the gut wrenching sobs of the past year. It was not the dark suicidal thoughts coming back. He caused me to have those thoughts a lot in 2022 while I dealt with the knowledge of what he had done to me. I went to therapy for this. Please go, if you need it. It can save your life. It did for me. But back to the tears falling. I decided to sit with the demons on the drive home and let them talk. It turns out it was my inner child, or young me, needing to be heard and validated. She knows she is not at fault. In her heart, she truly believes this. She knows there is nothing she could have done that would have stopped what her father did to her. She knows she is not to blame. I KNOW there is nothing I could have done to stop what he did to me. I KNOW I am not to blame. I KNOW the shame is no longer mine to carry. I accept what happened as part of my past.

I was talking to my ex-husband a few weeks ago in one of my dark moments about my dad. I screamed I was tired of him having the pen to keep writing my chapters of my life. I let my father continually have the pen over the last year. I yelled FUCK YOU, give me my damn pen back. I thought I had taken it back completely but this weekend made me realize that was not the case. 

So that is the reason for this blog. I am taking my pen back. I am writing my story of how this all occurred to find some closure and get perspective. I AM the author of the rest of my life. I am using this blog as the way to find my voice and be able to trust people again. 

I was let down by the first man in my life I should have been able to trust without question or hesitation. He should have been my first safe space. He was not. Then I was let down by the second man that should have been a safe space. But I take responsibility for the actions I DID that caused him to not be able to trust me, nor I him.