2024 is two years lived at once

 2024 feels like two years lived at once. January to August was fun, painful, loving, growing, expanding, and then September came in like a punk ass bitch and nuclear on me. September to December has been mind numbing, brutal, painful in ways I have never felt, and just cruel.

God brought me my heart to live in another human that I did not give birth to. My heart walks around in 3 people. Emma, Noah and Anthony. We had to come together to save him and then ourselves. 

I do not know if we are done. I do not feel we are. There is too much feeling like he is my home for me to completely be done. But let me explain what I mean by saving him and the ourselves. He told me when he asked to remove the girlfriend title that I kept him alive until Maria could get to him. His sister is a force to reckoned with, She is brilliant, funny, beautiful, fierce and stubborn. All good things with just enough of being a pain in the ass thrown in. She saved him by getting us to MSK for treatment. She is the reason he is alive and the doctors, of course.

But he needs this time apart to focus on his health and his kids. We are still friends until this path is walked. He has to complete the treatments and lessons on his own. I want nothing more than to hold his hand and be there as quiet support with the girlfriend title but it is not meant to be right now. He HAS to walk this part to learn lessons of his own.

I have to learn some of my own. It is time to tackle the PTSD and do the work to fully kick my dad out of my head for good. It is time to enjoy my own company and not be part of something or someone else for a while. I need to develop my gifts and my own business to create my own version of heaven on earth. I need to date myself and be on my own to make all of this happen.

We are friends always. We are platonic until this can be resolved for him. I am not stopping my life but I am pausing part of it. I need to take myself on fun outings, fun dates, lunches, and travel. I need to be AMY all the time. Not a girlfriend part time, but myself, fully, always.

On Pause

 Life took over and the cancer won but not in the way that you think. He needs to focus on his health and his kids and cannot be in a full blown relationship while he works on this. I totally understand and agree. 

I was the expendable piece but we are still connected. He cannot take on an intimate relationship while he navigates the moving pieces. And I agree with him. I have to take some hard looks at the PTSD that has come up and hit me like a ton of bricks. I get too easily triggered by it and I want the demons finally dealt with.

I start intensive therapy in the morning to finally lay the sexual abuse to rest. I finally want to know what was done to me. I want to face it head on so I can fully step into who God wants me to be. I love Anthony more than I ever though possible. He has become my safe harbor, and I hope he knows how much I love him. That is not changing and I do not want to date anyone else. 

He is my 9 of cups, in Tarot speak. But I need to focus on me for now. I need to heal the parts of me that are still crying at the little girl who was not protected at the age of 4 and 5.

So time to put in the work, work in the silence, move in the shadows and tell the devil to finally fuck off.