Saying goodbye

 Saying a quiet goodbye is the worst feeling in the world. I cannot tell him goodbye because we are still connected by friends and love. But saying it in the dark and out loud to myself is heartbreaking. 

He got the news in February his tumors were gone. He chose to stay with Shrek because that is where his kids are. I totally get that. He thinks he only has 3-5 years left and he wants to be with them every minute. She is where they are so he chose there. Not her, he despises her, his words not mine. But still I was not chosen.

What did I learn from him? I learned to love myself as I am. I am enough by just being ME. Funny how the tattoo I got two years ago was a reminder of that but I would not learn the lesson until Anthony. I learned what sacrifice looks like when you want someone to be happy, even it is not with you. He loved me enough to let me go. What a miracle that is. It made me love him even more. But I also had to learn love is not enough when life wants to break you down and keep you apart. I see him for the gift he is. Flaws and all, cuz he can be a stubborn ass. He is selfish at times and pigheaded. He can be cruel to others when he is hurting. But it was never aimed at me. He gave me love and his family. I fit right in and they loved me, too. Still do. I love them dearly.

I will always be in his life, however he will let me. But it has to be at a distance. That is the only way I can move forward. I won't say move on. I gave him my heart and do not want it back. I do not know if I will ever love someone again, not wholeheartedly anyway. But I need to move forward to see what life has for me. A new home in the next year for certain.

Baby, you will never read this, but I LOVE YOU. Always and forever, whatever that looks like.

2025 feels wrong

 I want the life I had pictured for myself in August of 2024 back. I want what we were building back. FUCK CANCER and fuck Shrek. They both have taken what feels like everything from me. I lost Anthony to cancer and his ex because she is manipulating him through his kids. I call her an ogre, therefore Shrek. 

I hate her. I hate him at this moment for not being strong enough to keep me and tell her to fuck off. I get why. It is his kids. You do everything to keep access to them. But fuck them both today. 

I hate that my heart belongs to someone who is being manipulated. I hate her for being a cunt and doing this to him and their kids. No one tells her no. No one says you do not get to pitch a fit and keep getting your way. SO FUCK YOU AND FUCK OFF.

My tears fall in the quiet moments when I need a hug. They fall when I am driving my car and no one can see me cry. They fall when I sit in my office and type this out. They fall in the silence because I cannot smack a bitch and tell him he is better than this. They just fall all the time.

2024 is two years lived at once

 2024 feels like two years lived at once. January to August was fun, painful, loving, growing, expanding, and then September came in like a punk ass bitch and nuclear on me. September to December has been mind numbing, brutal, painful in ways I have never felt, and just cruel.

God brought me my heart to live in another human that I did not give birth to. My heart walks around in 3 people. Emma, Noah and Anthony. We had to come together to save him and then ourselves. 

I do not know if we are done. I do not feel we are. There is too much feeling like he is my home for me to completely be done. But let me explain what I mean by saving him and the ourselves. He told me when he asked to remove the girlfriend title that I kept him alive until Maria could get to him. His sister is a force to reckoned with, She is brilliant, funny, beautiful, fierce and stubborn. All good things with just enough of being a pain in the ass thrown in. She saved him by getting us to MSK for treatment. She is the reason he is alive and the doctors, of course.

But he needs this time apart to focus on his health and his kids. We are still friends until this path is walked. He has to complete the treatments and lessons on his own. I want nothing more than to hold his hand and be there as quiet support with the girlfriend title but it is not meant to be right now. He HAS to walk this part to learn lessons of his own.

I have to learn some of my own. It is time to tackle the PTSD and do the work to fully kick my dad out of my head for good. It is time to enjoy my own company and not be part of something or someone else for a while. I need to develop my gifts and my own business to create my own version of heaven on earth. I need to date myself and be on my own to make all of this happen.

We are friends always. We are platonic until this can be resolved for him. I am not stopping my life but I am pausing part of it. I need to take myself on fun outings, fun dates, lunches, and travel. I need to be AMY all the time. Not a girlfriend part time, but myself, fully, always.

On Pause

 Life took over and the cancer won but not in the way that you think. He needs to focus on his health and his kids and cannot be in a full blown relationship while he works on this. I totally understand and agree. 

I was the expendable piece but we are still connected. He cannot take on an intimate relationship while he navigates the moving pieces. And I agree with him. I have to take some hard looks at the PTSD that has come up and hit me like a ton of bricks. I get too easily triggered by it and I want the demons finally dealt with.

I start intensive therapy in the morning to finally lay the sexual abuse to rest. I finally want to know what was done to me. I want to face it head on so I can fully step into who God wants me to be. I love Anthony more than I ever though possible. He has become my safe harbor, and I hope he knows how much I love him. That is not changing and I do not want to date anyone else. 

He is my 9 of cups, in Tarot speak. But I need to focus on me for now. I need to heal the parts of me that are still crying at the little girl who was not protected at the age of 4 and 5.

So time to put in the work, work in the silence, move in the shadows and tell the devil to finally fuck off. 

Old Patterns

 Old thought patterns are hard to shake. When I feel rejected or not worthy of something, I get triggered and want to do bad things. Nothing that puts me in harm's way but nothing that serves where I am in my life. 

I miss Anthony. I miss him so much that it hurts. I know his focus has to be his kids. I know he loves me. He tells me and shows me in the best way he can. But going from seeing him every day, sleeping with him, living my life with him in almost every way to texts daily and the occasional phone call is the worst for me. 

His cancer has already robbed us of so much. I refuse to let it rob me of my peace. I am worthy, I am loved, I am respected. I am powerful and magical. I am a badass mother fucker, to use his words. I am strong and amazing. I claim my power back. Fuck the old ways of thinking. 

Afraid

 I am so ashamed to admit this but my anxiety is winning today. I know he loves me. I know he cares about me. But is it strong enough to withstand distance and cancer? His focus is his kids, as it should be. He got amazing news for treatment that can kill his tumors. This is the miracle we have all been praying for. This is what we needed. The proton therapy can kill the tumors. The immunotherapy can work on the microscopic cancer cells as a two prong approach. But I am afraid.

I am not afraid of him living. He has a shot at two plus years and this would be so fantastic.  I would welcome all of that with him. But he may be considering trying to move his kids to NY so long term prognosis. This means the ex goes since she is their mother. But where does that leave me? Do I get to be in the equation? Do I matter enough to be considered? This is what I am afraid of. I am giving voice to it here so I can get it out of my head and tell my anxiety to shut the fuck up and leave me alone.

A friend suggested I visualize a drawbridge around it and it going up so I can leave it aside. This may work. What I really want to do is tell him let me be in the equation. I want to burn the anxiety to the ground and know I am the first choice. But I cannot be the first choice. 

How do I move forward? 

Tired

 I’m tired today. Stress of life brought on a migraine and it’s kicking my ass. But I know I have to shake this feeling. Yes, I’m tired.  Yes, life is awful in some ways. But if you only see the negative, that is ALL you will see. 

I am blessed with a job that lets me pay bills. I have a wonderful family that loves me. I have friends that support me. I have great kids who mostly succeed in life lol. I have someone to love who is the fight of his life. That is my stress, not being with him. I don’t share these crazy fears with him because he needs to focus on himself. So I put them here. 

But how can I see a blessing with this? I can do what he needs me to do and asks of me. I can be a place for him to find respite and maybe some laughter. I can organize his things around home so they are not chaotic and make him feel like this is his home. Does any of this matter?  I don’t know. But I am choosing to believe it does because it gives me focus and purpose. 

When we lose those, we lose ourselves. I have lost enough. I am thankful for the blessings I have in my life. I welcome in more. I know more will come my way and those I love will share in that abundance. Finances and health are changing for the better. So it is.