Over projects

 So the last month has been healing from knee surgery and rehab. It’s been God awful and so hard. It’s been humbling and brought me to new lows of pain and depression. It’s shown me how few people stick around when you cannot pour into them all of the time. 

It brought out new issues to sort through. It made me realize all I seem to bring into my life in people and relationships are projects. I’m over it. I’m tired of helping heal people for them to move on and take all the pieces of me I’ve put back together and shatter them again. There is always beauty in the breaks and repairs but it is overwhelming and exhausting. I need a break of my own. So for now, no more projects. 

I am focusing on healing myself for now. I miss being happy by default. I miss being able to do what I want when I want. So I’m the project and focus. New work, new healing, new perspective. If you can’t add to my life without taking all the energy you want and not pouring some back into me, you can keep going. I love helping heal others. I love sending energy and being an ear. But for now, i need to heal myself. Call it selfish, I’m ok with that. Call it mean, I don’t care. I’m calling it me time and I deserve it for my own life and happiness. 

Rolling into 2024

 So much has happened so far in 2024. I said goodbye to my dad at his graveside and got an apology from an odd source from him. It floored me and opened me wide up. I embraced  mentality of joy and gratitude for 30 days to change my outlook. It’s working so well I’m doing it daily still. Say something amazingly awesome will happen to me today. Believe it and watch what happens. I never share the things that happen because they are my miracles. But I love how my life is changing. 

I raised my vibration and changed who is in my life. I had someone I trusted lie to me. Instead of freaking out, I simply said not my circus, not monkeys. I did not try to fix it. I said goodbye and wished them well. That’s huge for me. I got ghosted by someone that turned out to be amazing lesson in my life. He taught me that energy matters and so do i. I met someone new out of town. I have no idea if it will go somewhere. I like how I smile more and am not freaking out when he doesn’t Text right away. As my friend Frank says, im no longer chasing the dopamine high. This is huge for me. 

I also started speaking publicly about how my dad abused me. It was hard but worth it. I’m learning to hold my boundaries and not let people cross them I like where my life is going. I’m excited to see how it comes about. I love how the universe reflects love. We just have to see it. 

Talking too much

 So a theme in my life recently has been that I am talking too much. This is both at work and in my personal relationships. I am working hard to tighten up my circle and with whom I share intimate knowledge of my life.

I know that when I talk, I get all my "junk" out and feel lighter. But this can make the person I am with feel undervalued and not appreciated. I know that this is a bad thing. I am working on the listening. As a dear friend pointed out to me this weekend, we have two ears and one mouth. Use the ears more and mouth less.

I want the people I have conversations with to know that I see them, I value them, and I will listen with an open heart and a closed mouth. I know this will help me be a better friend, partner, mother, coworker and mentor.

Wish me luck!!

Fall renewal

 Took several months off to live my life. Some of it was good, some of it was BAD. I went nuclear and did not know I needed to do so. 

I got suckered by someone in another state based on my own insecurities and need for a love I have to give myself. I gave way too much grace and did not see the lies right in front of me. I went dark on someone who was always honest with me in their intentions and burned some people in the process. I had to take the time to pull back and realize I was still living my life based on other people's feel of myself and not my own opinion.

I caught the person out of state in their lies and called them on it. I finally stood up for myself and told him to go to hell. I then met someone else and went on two dates that I thought went well. They did and he ghosted. I accepted that and moved on. I got back on the dating horse and got bucked off, not literally but spiritually. I keep getting back on it and trying again.

I am learning some hard lessons about myself in this dating process. I still have a lot to say in words that not everyone wants to hear. Not something I have not heard before but something I need to work on. Know your audience, and sometimes it needs to be an audience of one. I am using this blog to get out the words that jumble up in my head. I also jump in to things to quickly. I need to learn to slow down and spend the time to get to know a person. My friend told me about the 90 day probation rule for dating, setting firm boundaries to get to know someone in the first 90 days and see their true selves emerge.

I also blew out my knee doing jiu jitsu and am getting around the idea I cannot step foot on the mats again. I do not know if it will ever happen again. I have a long recovery ahead of me. I miss the mental challenge BJJ gave me and to get me out of my head. So now I have to find another avenue that is safe for me physically to handle. 

Reading and growth are what I am focusing on right now. I can find some ways to engage the mental chess and keep my mind from spiraling with those insecurities. I am worth the work. I am worth the effort. I am too much at times but that is ok. It is when I am too much for myself that I need to fix it. And so that is my fall update

Backslides

 So I took the last few weeks off just to experience life and enjoy my birthday. But the backslide that always comes Kim. Repressed memories are starting to come up, anxiety is going up, and it’s rough. But the back slides or just temporary. They are not the end of my story. They are just a foot note in the chapter I’m currently in.

Experienced the back slides. Experienced the low experience rock-bottom. Rock-bottom happens multiple times in our life. It just means we go up. Life has peaks and valleys. Life has highs and lows. I’m currently in the low but that helps me know that the high is coming. And that’s a beautiful energy. That’s a beautiful thing.

Meh

 Today I took a chance.  Not sure if it will pay off…but that is life. I am moving into a place of peace. I am on the other side of the dark. But today has shown me I can get thrown back there real quick. So sleep is needed.  No decisions should be made without sleep. 

Bad

 Today just sucks. I usually put a positive spin on things but, I'm not feeling it today. That is okay. Not all days will be good. Not all things go your way. You can express it. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You are human. I’m human. And today sucks. I finally risked my heart on someone and had it broken. Being told they would be different this time and they weren’t sucks. 

I’m not mad at it being broken. It’s life and lets me know I am in a good place to try. I am just over some people not being consistent and honest. If you can’t handle something, simply say so. But that’s. It what happens in my life. 

Depression is back and taking hold. I will handle it with exercise, breathing mediation, and ranting to friends who don’t mind. I will share it here because I can. But today just sucks. I also need a good night of sleep more then once a week.