Tears fall

So I’ve been MIA for a few weeks while I’ve been healing some wounds and figuring out tough feelings. The struggle with anxiety is awful and it can really let you out flat. I had some great weeks and then last week visited a friend had a lot of fun the vibe changed when he confessed that he was out of sorts, himself, and needed me to go home so that he could kind of get in his face and get himself figured out. I respected the boundary and came home, and it just like spiraled with things with my children. Nothing terrible but just one thing after Going through and nothing went as planned and got very expensive as we fixed the issues with their cars. I had a good day with a friend over the weekend and then Monday keep her out and nothing went to plan. Everything felt like it was completely spiraling out of control, and a panic attack kicked in. Luckily, I was able to talk to my mom and talk to a good friend who helped me realize what the problem was. I took myself to a movie thoroughly enjoyed, haunted mansion. I highly recommend seeing that if you can. And the one thing that made me realize was that I can’t control things, and when I can’t control things, it makes me feel helpless and anxious and scared, and like a little bitch. I know a lot of the stems back to the issues with my father, but I have to take ownership of not getting stuck in my life , so what I’ve decided to do was set small goals and big goals for the next year . What I’m going to do now is build blocks of small things or I stop bullshitting myself and I show up for myself. Consistency and honesty with myself is how I’m going to be able to move forward and heal.