Old Patterns

 Old thought patterns are hard to shake. When I feel rejected or not worthy of something, I get triggered and want to do bad things. Nothing that puts me in harm's way but nothing that serves where I am in my life. 

I miss Anthony. I miss him so much that it hurts. I know his focus has to be his kids. I know he loves me. He tells me and shows me in the best way he can. But going from seeing him every day, sleeping with him, living my life with him in almost every way to texts daily and the occasional phone call is the worst for me. 

His cancer has already robbed us of so much. I refuse to let it rob me of my peace. I am worthy, I am loved, I am respected. I am powerful and magical. I am a badass mother fucker, to use his words. I am strong and amazing. I claim my power back. Fuck the old ways of thinking. 

Afraid

 I am so ashamed to admit this but my anxiety is winning today. I know he loves me. I know he cares about me. But is it strong enough to withstand distance and cancer? His focus is his kids, as it should be. He got amazing news for treatment that can kill his tumors. This is the miracle we have all been praying for. This is what we needed. The proton therapy can kill the tumors. The immunotherapy can work on the microscopic cancer cells as a two prong approach. But I am afraid.

I am not afraid of him living. He has a shot at two plus years and this would be so fantastic.  I would welcome all of that with him. But he may be considering trying to move his kids to NY so long term prognosis. This means the ex goes since she is their mother. But where does that leave me? Do I get to be in the equation? Do I matter enough to be considered? This is what I am afraid of. I am giving voice to it here so I can get it out of my head and tell my anxiety to shut the fuck up and leave me alone.

A friend suggested I visualize a drawbridge around it and it going up so I can leave it aside. This may work. What I really want to do is tell him let me be in the equation. I want to burn the anxiety to the ground and know I am the first choice. But I cannot be the first choice. 

How do I move forward? 

Tired

 I’m tired today. Stress of life brought on a migraine and it’s kicking my ass. But I know I have to shake this feeling. Yes, I’m tired.  Yes, life is awful in some ways. But if you only see the negative, that is ALL you will see. 

I am blessed with a job that lets me pay bills. I have a wonderful family that loves me. I have friends that support me. I have great kids who mostly succeed in life lol. I have someone to love who is the fight of his life. That is my stress, not being with him. I don’t share these crazy fears with him because he needs to focus on himself. So I put them here. 

But how can I see a blessing with this? I can do what he needs me to do and asks of me. I can be a place for him to find respite and maybe some laughter. I can organize his things around home so they are not chaotic and make him feel like this is his home. Does any of this matter?  I don’t know. But I am choosing to believe it does because it gives me focus and purpose. 

When we lose those, we lose ourselves. I have lost enough. I am thankful for the blessings I have in my life. I welcome in more. I know more will come my way and those I love will share in that abundance. Finances and health are changing for the better. So it is. 

Scared of losing

 This is going to sound selfish. I am letting it out here so I get it out of my head. I am afraid when Anthony comes home to visit he will not want to be at home with me but stay with his kids at his ex wife’s house. 

I get how awful that sounds. It is fair for him to do so because they  are his children. How terrible would I be if I said no, you can’t stay where your kids are, you have to be with me only. 

I just feel like I am the one to be left behind or left out. I feel like I am going to be the one losing him. This makes me feel awful and guilty but it’s where my head is at today. 

His kids give him purpose and a sense of being able to beat this. I know he loves me. That is not in doubt. But I am afraid of losing him before cancer may take him. 

Fuck Cancer

 Cancer is just that horrible, terrible, awful, nasty thing you want to tell to fuck off and leave you alone. It robs you of joy, of love, of memories, of healing and most of all, time. 

I am also angry at God for bringing me this amazing man only to turn around and possibly take him from us soooooo damn soon. I know this happens to a lot of people and there is no rhyme or reason to it. I know someone will say, "Amy, you can walk away." But can I? How can I love someone and walk away if it means I get no time left with them. That is NOT an option for me.

God, we need to have a talk. I love and know you are faithful and we have free will. I know miracles happen every day and I pray for this one constantly. But how do I not get angry at you for giving me this wonderful man in my life to love only to have it come to an end so soon? I AM ANGRY AND FULL OF RAGE. I AM PISSED AT YOU. In this moment, I question my faith in a loving God. In this moment, I want to burn the heavens down at the thought of Anthony dying too soon. How can this happen to us? How can this happen to him? How can this be the path his kids are put on to lose their dad so young? How do I fill the chasm this creates in my life and makes me question everything I believe?

Anthony cannot have the Y90 seeding. He told me the risk is not worth the reward. His words. I am sure the doctors at MSK have more technical terms but that makes the most sense to him and thus, me. His next option is local radiation treatment. His surgeon said surgery is not happening at this point. They want to shrink the tumors and manage the symptoms. So what happens if we get the tumors shrunk and surgery comes back into play? Maria could not ask because of how Anthony was handling all of it. And that is ok. But why does it feel like every single fucking time there is a glimmer of hope, it gets yanked away. Liver cancer is THE WORST thing ever. 

His appointment with Dr. Crane next week sets the next stage of this treatment. If I had known he would get so sick, I would have quit my job to be with him every day in New York. But I cannot do that. He would not let me nor would his family. I said to my friend Frank that I am in this journey with him whether I get 6 months or 6 years. I meant every word. But dammit, I want 6 years.

God, please bring the miracles we are all praying for. Please bring the time we all want. Please let Anthony have the time with his kids for more than 6 months. Give us the years, not months. I ask St. Peregrine for his intercession on Anthony's behalf for the miracle of a cure. I ask St. Michael the Archangel for compassion, protection and healing of this. I ask St. Raphael the Archangel for healing of Anthony's liver and protection of his mind. 

I pray the Our Father, Hail Mary and Glory be for all of us who need this miracle. Whether it be granted, only God will know. But I ask all the same and I will continue to have faith, even angry at God. 

My love, you will most likely never read or see this. But know I love you and am here for you any way I can be. 

FUCK CANCER