Bad

 Today just sucks. I usually put a positive spin on things but, I'm not feeling it today. That is okay. Not all days will be good. Not all things go your way. You can express it. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You are human. I’m human. And today sucks. I finally risked my heart on someone and had it broken. Being told they would be different this time and they weren’t sucks. 

I’m not mad at it being broken. It’s life and lets me know I am in a good place to try. I am just over some people not being consistent and honest. If you can’t handle something, simply say so. But that’s. It what happens in my life. 

Depression is back and taking hold. I will handle it with exercise, breathing mediation, and ranting to friends who don’t mind. I will share it here because I can. But today just sucks. I also need a good night of sleep more then once a week. 

Good day versus a bad

 The shift in my energy has been wonderful. It’s been good stepping into my power and owning it. The confidence that comes with that is powerful. But it has come with a lot of releasing. Crying can suck. 

Crying for cleansing emotions and trauma is necessary. It is freeing. But it is also draining. My sleep has been go to bed around 10pm and wake up at 3 or 4am crying this last week. I may manage another hour of sleep. And I know the work needs to be done. I know it needs to come up. I let it. I am not sure why I am crying or the reason for but I let it come up. This is good. I no longer bury my head in the sand like an ostrich. I used to do this and it caused a lot of problems in my marriage and my life. So the progress can be measured in changed behaviors.

But the crying can be exhausting. It sits below the surface today, ready to spill over any moment. I will choose to see the good in it instead of the bad. It is not a bad day when this happens, just can be a bad moment. It is not a bad day. I choose to make it a good one 

New perspective

 So last week was one of release. What I didn’t know which solo was the emotional dump that came after it sort of like you’re on an adrenaline highand then boom nothing. I went from feeling like I was on top of the world last Tuesday to the very next day sick to my stomach, throwing up, unable to keep from crying letting all those trauma wounds come out. And if that taught me nothing else, it’s let it process, let it purge so to speak. It’s in that release that you find peace and a reset. I was fortunate enough a few months ago to be able to book a vacation to the beach and it’s something I didn’t realize how much I needed until I got here. The recharge of grounding my feet in the sand and letting the salt air, just blow over me has been amazing. I’m still crying and releasing those trauma wounds I think I will be for a while. But if this journey over the last 13 months is taught me nothing else it’s that I’m resilient. I’m a thriver. I’m worthy of all the things that I know I deserve and I think God every day for his blessings in my life and the faith that I’m grounded in. Those blessings include very, very rare souls friends, who have come into my life spoken up in the last several months, and has guided me through some of my darkest days, but have seen me rise and continue to grow.

New energy shift

 I am working hard on forgiveness to my father and myself. I am on repeat a lot of needing to do this to move forward in my life. Not forgiving him or me does nothing but hold me back.

I forgive my dad for what he did to me, for breaking that sacred trust a parent should hold as inviolable. I forgive my dad for not doing better and not protecting me. I forgive him for being the monster in the dark, the shadow man, the reason I was afraid for most of my life and never knowing why. 

I forgive myself for being a child and not knowing or remembering anything. I forgive myself for being a child and not deserving what happened to me. It was NOT my fault. The young me did nothing wrong and should have been protected.

So what is the new energy shift? It is breaking generational curses and traumas so my children do not suffer the same patterns. It is stopping the abuse with me. It stops now. I refuse to let my father have my pen and being able to write any more pages in my book or the family book. It is knowing I AM worthy of love and self respect. It is knowing I am better than all the trauma of my past. It  is knowing I am more than a survivor, I AM a THRIVER. 

I am loved. I am cared for. I am strong. I am seen. I am believed. I am happier now with so much more to come in my story. The past is just that, the past. It is part of who I am and was, but no longer who I will be. 

I release all the negativity it brings and brought. I release all the anger, shame, sorrow, fear, and so much more. I welcome in self confidence, self love, self worth. feelings of belonging in all areas of my life. I welcome in new love and know I am worthy of that from someone who sees all the parts of me. I welcome in financial security and the freedom of knowing I can take care of myself and my family. I welcome in friends and family who love me and my children. I welcome in new and exciting things to come- travel, job changes, and exciting challenges and overcoming fears.

I have set a goal in my life to attain a purple belt in a year's time in brazilian jiu-jitsu, travel to the Caribbean and Ireland in 2024, and grow my small business to help support my family. I share these to hold myself accountable, and show that anyone can work to overcome trauma and live a healthier, beautiful, strong life.

You want to see what I can do? Tell me I can't and watch me prove you, myself, and everyone who tells me ‘NO’ how wrong we are. I am me, I show up for me. I show up for my kids and I will thrive in this new chapter. 

Tears fall

So I’ve been MIA for a few weeks while I’ve been healing some wounds and figuring out tough feelings. The struggle with anxiety is awful and it can really let you out flat. I had some great weeks and then last week visited a friend had a lot of fun the vibe changed when he confessed that he was out of sorts, himself, and needed me to go home so that he could kind of get in his face and get himself figured out. I respected the boundary and came home, and it just like spiraled with things with my children. Nothing terrible but just one thing after Going through and nothing went as planned and got very expensive as we fixed the issues with their cars. I had a good day with a friend over the weekend and then Monday keep her out and nothing went to plan. Everything felt like it was completely spiraling out of control, and a panic attack kicked in. Luckily, I was able to talk to my mom and talk to a good friend who helped me realize what the problem was. I took myself to a movie thoroughly enjoyed, haunted mansion. I highly recommend seeing that if you can. And the one thing that made me realize was that I can’t control things, and when I can’t control things, it makes me feel helpless and anxious and scared, and like a little bitch. I know a lot of the stems back to the issues with my father, but I have to take ownership of not getting stuck in my life , so what I’ve decided to do was set small goals and big goals for the next year . What I’m going to do now is build blocks of small things or I stop bullshitting myself and I show up for myself. Consistency and honesty with myself is how I’m going to be able to move forward and heal.